These Artists Will Probably Win the 2014 VMAs
Grab the nearest loved one and hang on for dear life because MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Video Music Awards which are also known as the VMAs. Beyonce is in the lead so far with nominations for her song like “Drunk in Love” and “Pretty Hurts.” And what could be fancier than a wrecking ball? Maybe Sia’s “Chandelier!” Iggy Azalea, Miley Cyrus and Sia are all up for video of the year! Seriously, the best thing that could happen is if Taco Bell, the sponsor for the Artist to Watch category, came out with their new Doritos Locos taco flavor. Let’s hope it’s the spicy sweet chili flavor. Read on to see who will probably win on August 24.
Video of the year: “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. Pharrell made a lot of people happy with this “Happy” video. We can only put our headphones on and wonder what a room without a roof actually feels like. His park ranger hat took over the world for a while. And then a lot of people probably sympathized with him when he cried with Oprah because he was so pent up with emotions about how awesome he is and how awesome he made other people feel. Pharrell Williams is the new trend.
Best hiphop video: “Black Skinhead” by Kanye West. Just make a muscular CG version of your shirtless body like Kanye West did in the video for “Black Skinhead.” That is how you impress people who don’t know who you are. Yes, there are a lot of people who know who Kanye West is! Obviously Kim Kardashian does since she is his wife. That would be weird if she didn’t know who he was and then married him. Anyway, the few people without internet in the world who do not know who Kanye is would be impressed by his CG muscles. He’s bouncing up and down in this dark video.
Best male video: Stay With Me” by Sam Smith. In the video for “Stay With Me,” Sam Smith is chasing sidewalks and rolling in the deep chair in anguish just like Adele did in her videos for “Chasing Pavement” and “Rolling in the Deep.” The church choir is cute, but the nomination of this low-budget-looking video just means that people want Sam Smith’s beautiful voice to be more famous. It can’t cost that much to film a dude walking down the middle of a neighborhood street.
Best female video: “Royals” by Lorde. Lorde and Sam Smith may have used the same neighborhood and concept for their videos until somebody thought to put in two scrawny boxer boys inside their home in the middle of the video. Watch both videos back to back and the first few minutes pop out as a case of identity theft is music videos had identities to be a thief of. This “Royals” video is a goldmine. The most important thing is that Lorde will probably win something.
Best pop video: “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX. First things first, she’s the realest! However her rapper name “Iggy Azalea” is not really real. The true identity of this unreal person is a girl named Amethyst Amelia Kelly. Amethyst is a cute name if you like rocks or gems or jewels and things. Okay, it wouldn’t be as catchy or as “real” as “Iggy.” Iggy has less letters and Amethyst reminds scientists of geology. Alicia Silverstone’s performance in the movie “Clueless” obviously blew the mind of someone who made the music video for Iggy.
Best rock video: “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. This one was a tribute to a cancer patient named Tyler Robinson from Sandy, UT. This song was also played on the radio almost as much as “Fancy.” Imagine Dragons is big now. They are about as big as a rock band can be so they should be ery careful not to blow this chance at a video music award. Their image seems to be squeaky clean if you consider people who are never mentioned in the tabloids as squeaky clean so I will say they are very clean.
Artist to watch presented by Taco Bell: “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith. The chalupas and doritos locos tacos will make Sam Smith feel even better after the one night stand he sings about. Taco Bell could make this win for Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me” into a marketing strategy. The strategy is that they will make a commercial with more Sam Smith songs and Taco Bell products together in a tortilla wrapped harmony. I can see it now. British-themed Taco Bell products coming to a food coma near you.
Best collaboration: “Problem” by Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea. They played this in a club that you may or may not have visited recently and you can no deny it. I know, it’s hard to admit. Well it’s hard for those people who do not like this former Disney star named Ariana Grande and her song “Problem” featuring Amethyst Kelly, also known as Iggy Azalea. Ariana Grande’s got one less problem without you unless you’re one of the judges who will give her this video music award.
MTV Clubland Award: “Turn Down For What” by DJ Snake & Lil Jon. Somebody imagined what it would be like if people crashed through your roof and then seduced you into dancing with them. Then they put that in a video and oh my god think of the roof damage. DJ Reptile and Lil Jon are not the people who made this song. Reptiles really did. Think about it. It would make a nice DJ name, DJ Reptile. Anyway, a director named Daniel Kwan put himself in this video and that is pretty brave. Turn down for bravery.
Best video with a social message: “Pretty Hurts” by Beyonce. Pretty can’t possibly hurt that much if you are Beyonce. Let us think about Beyonce in a beauty pageant and in the Third Ward section of Houston, TX. There are a lot of people in Texas. One of them could or could not be a judge for the VMAs. That judge may or may not have the deciding factor in this vote to propel Beyonce into the social messaging world of good causes. Like Anderson Cooper said, we are living in Beyonce’s world.
Best cinematography: “Afterlife” by Arcade Fire. Arcade Fire’s video “Afterlife” made my head hurt. Okay, so some dude wants to go to the afterlife, by which I mean “Ryan’s House.” We never get to meet this guy Ryan and the little brother gets trapped in a washing machine. The mother passed away and the family is falling apart. Okay, now that I realize it only took ten seconds to figure out the point of the video, it all just seems depressing. Lil Jon’s video kept it simple and people just don’t want to struggle with that much mystery. And who is Ryan and why didn’t we meet him?
Best editing: “Rap God” by Eminem. They did a good job showing that laptop in his backpocket which is a trend that Eminem could start as a new thing but the Clinton reference was lost on me because Clinton does not make headlines anymore. It’s all about Hilary Clinton, Eminem. The many subliminal messages won’t work on those of us who are diligently reading political news and comedic programs of satire. The award for best editing will happen because it makes sense for the video editor to put those colorful televisions near the beginning since people won’t be as shocked to see the part where Slim Shady is in a rap battle.
Best choreography: “Love Never Felt So Good” by Michael Jackson ft. Justin Timberlake. Love did feel good when we listened to a Michael Jackson song! The smooth criminal who was the king and prince and master of pop music as we know it had this posthumous album and now this video is nominated. That’s the legacy of the king. Let’s be real. Michael never needed anybody but himself to shine in a video. But Billie Jean was not his lover and record labels need to make Justin relevant again somehow.
Best direction: “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus. Chances are that Miley Cyrus is going to get at least one win and this might as well be the one. Swing on that ball like your life depends on it and wreck your way to the awards podium. Liam Hemsworth is the rumored wrecker. His brother is Chris Hemsworth and Thor could have a hammer that wrecks the lives of Disney stars and that is not a connection between Norse mythology and Hannah Montana.
Best art direction: “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX. Anyone who has seen the movie “Clueless” would agree it’s a piece of art, if not artistic-esque. Crash the hotel and drink from the minibar if you want to be fancy like Charli XCX. She thought “XCX” sounded cool and that is why she is who she is today. Iggy’s father was also an artist. There, that right there, is the tie to art that this video needs. Also, Charli XCX seems to be in the “fast lane” from Los Angeles to Tokyo. The joke’s on you, Charli. There are no lanes people can drive in from Los Angeles to Tokyo.